very rough emotional day

technically it started last night. It was a bad pain night and I couldn't sleep. I stayed up till 2 in the morning before sleep finally overpowered me.

I slept on and off. Woke up to feed the cats, stayed up a bit, went back to bed and slept again. had joint and head pain most of the day.

Then the icing on the "crap cake" of the day-

poor david just witnessed a "Jamie Disability Meltdown" Adventure

it started with him asking me to put mayo and mustard on his bread for his hotdogs while he was microwaving the hotdogs...so I did it my way, on the plate and just spreading it with butterknife.

David: why you don't hold a bread in one hand and use the knife to spread with the other hand?

Jamie:(a bit sarcastic/snarky) because if I hold it in one hand, it doesn't hold flat, ill squeeze/bend my hand and then you will have squished bread..

David: you can't hold your hand flat?
Jamie: (again, snarky/sarcastic) No, I cant. its called Ehlers Danlos..remember..that thing I have that makes my joints loose and weak.

David: come here. I'll show you.
Jamie: (getting annoyed and flustered because I been living with this 29 years, does this dude seriously not think I've tried multiple ways to do things?) No. *voice starting to shake and fists start to clench*

David: come on Jamie, just try my way.
Jamie: (finally breaks down and flood gates open) David, I've had this shit 29 years, I've tried every way I can think of. This was the easiest way.

David: okay. okay. I wasn't teasing you. *trying to hug me*

Jamie: I know. But still, if you had something for all your life and parents who taught you to be as independent to the best of your abilities, you think I'd just give up? no. this was the easiest and most accessible way for me.

David: I didn't know. I only been with you 3 years. calm down. its okay. i still love you, you're still beautiful. calm down. you gonna give yourself a headache.

Jamie: *sniffles and trying to calm down* I already had one to begin with.

--------------------------
hey if he wants to be future husband of someone with a disability, he might as well see all the ugly sides too. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ he wasn't there for the 2012 episodes-poor mom had those episodes and she didn't trigger them...she was just in the "crossfire" lol

and then later on another incident involving David happened: we tried to make waffles breakfast for dinner but no cooking spray, so tried to use regular cooking oil, but they stuck and didn’t cooperate so I was put back in that “i can’t do nothing right.” Mood.

I hate days like this where my disability and the side-effects of it, feel like the world is closing in around me and I cant breathe. *sigh* just another day. Things will get better. Tomorrow is another day. 

Fun in Bay St Louis, Mississippi

A week ago, July 23-24, David and I went to Bay St Louis Mississippi to go hang out with my "Hitler of the respiratory department," friend Marcela Spraul from St Louis, Missouri. 

Marcela and I got close while I was at Shriners Hospital back in 2012. She has become like an older sister/ second mama to me. She called and told me they'd be in Bay St Louis and I immediately googled the directions. It was only 2 hours and 50 minutes from my house, Easy! Way better than the usual 10-12 hours it takes to see her; of course, I am gonna make the trek to go out and see her. 

We had a lot of fun and I enjoyed catching up. and I will be seeing her again in September for my checkup appointment in St Louis. They offered to host us so we don't have to spend money on hotel- Awww! <3 

I love Marcela, even if the beginning of our relationship was a bit rocky! LMAO. 

Cover unbreakable by Ali McManus

My fiance is so crazy silly...Janie got a gun/Jamie's got a gun

In the car with David, the song "Janie got a gun" comes on.

David while looking at me: yeah, Jamie's got a gun

Me: I think it's Janie not Jamie. ( I proceed to Google it and no surprise I was right.) Yep, it's j.a.n.i.e. not j.a.m.i.e. Janie.

(Continues while laughing) and if I had a gun, what'd I do with it?. I'm too weak to pull a trigger. Throw it like a boomerang?

Lol. 😂😂😂

reliving childhood as an Adult/ Watching HunchBack of Notre Dame movie

One of my favorite Disney Movies is Hunchback of Notre Dame. I relate so much to the main character, Quasi Modo. When it first advertised, I was about 5. “Mom look! He got a back like mine...”

Fast forward years to 5th or 6th grade when they’d call me “hunchback” And I’d cry upset..oh how time changes perspectives. Lol

Still one of my fav movies though.

watching it as an adult, I had my own inner dialogue: 

1.) Frollo seems like a majority of society about special needs individuals,

2.) there are some ableism beliefs “that special needs can’t have love,” “deformed,” “ugly,” etc.

3.) quasi heart is so sweet and pure and brave. ,

4.)Frollo is Satan,
5.)Esmeralda is so loving,
6.) Love and loyalty win overall.

7.) Quasi should get the girl just “because he was looking different,” he was friend-zoned smh.

8.) If nothing else, I want to have a heart like Quasi.

9.) 

And Frollo falls to a fiery death...have fun in hell, you blasphemest demon a-hole. #byeFrolicia lol 

10.) Aww, the little girl moment, in the end, was so sweet. She was curious, not scared, and accepting of him! Proving that hatred and fear is learned. #innocence ❤️❤️❤️❤️