Depression..the silent Killer.

its officially December and I am not in the Christmas spirit like usual. Usually, I would be going all out in decorations and such, but not this year- maybe lights and that's it. Due to moving in Jan. We don't want to have to haul extra stuff than what is needed. Plus it will be the first Christmas without Mommie, Mr. Mike James, my cousin Racheal Mary Meche, Ms. Nancy Moticka...too much death in one year; not to mention all the other people I care about who aren't around anymore either- My other grandmother (maw), and then one of the most influential women in my life, Mrs. Evelyn Zehner, "Mrs. Z" from Camp we can do. Its just so hard...I know there are worse people off, but for some reason I just cannot get into the spirit yet this year. Is it because of not decorating much this year, the financial stresses and having to ask mom to loan money for us to buy Christmas gifts until David can find a job? I don't know. Just tired of always being miserable. I can't remember the last time I was sincerely happy for more than a few hours.

:'( I don't know, I just been depressed all day today. Hopefully, I can get out of this funk. Prayers appreciated. I hate it when I get depression.

why does adulting have to be so expensive?

I try to usually be a pretty positive person, but like we are struggling financially. The mattress in our bedroom is killing both me and my fiance' backs so need a new mattress (plus I am still paying this mattress off, 4 years later.).
I dropped my laptop a few weeks back and ever since, have been having to use HDMI cable and a tv as a monitor because the screen don't wanna turn on and the last few days, the laptop is starting to show signs of dying worse off. (My fiance says he will build me a desktop pc, so hopefully my laptop can hold off till then or I can afford to get a keyboard accessory for my Ipad Mini tablet. (I will need one eventually when I go back to college classes.)

Then finally, I feel like I am straining my eyes more and more each day, even with my glasses. I cannot afford to go to LensCrafters (they dont take medicaid) at the moment. Sometimes I think I should just bite the bullet and just get the fricken laser surgery, but I am also scared to do it.

I hate ranting and venting, It just gets overwhelming at times...
Also, Shane Dawson, a youtuber I have been following since the beginning of his career 2008, and Jeffree Star (who I just started following last year on youtube) collabed and made a makeup collection together and I cannot afford it and I am legit sad and disappointed about it. I just miss being able to afford all the things I wanted. But no, I gotta "adult" and pay for college out of fpocket, pay for bills, and rent (thankfully after March that will be done..the rent anyway.) Things will get better, this is just a bump in the road. With God at the helm I am positive we can make it through any rough weather. <3 <3 <3 God's will be done.

Emotional- Ode to Mrs. Z

Warning: I am about to be really emotional and sappy.
Mrs. Z, The director of Camp We Can Do until 2010, has been on my mind a lot lately. RIP. I miss her so much and she was a major influence in my life…

Imagine: Being an 11 year old girl with severe physical limitations due to Severe Kyphosis/Scoliosis and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Imagine feelings like you don’t fit in anywhere and that even though you have friends, you constantly question whether your existence is just a burden on your loved ones.

Imagine: Starting a new scary adventure; a summer camp, Something I had never done before aside from daily VBS for a week at Church. Even though, I knew that it was for Special Needs individuals like me, I still was stressing. I remember going shopping with mom for summer clothes; constantly coming out of the dressing room in each article of clothing, asking the same repetitive question “Does this hide my curve? Does my stomach bulge in this? Do I look ‘Normal,” and God forbid if something I liked didn’t look good; Talk about “Dressing room Meltdown!” of locking myself in the dressing room, beating myself up by hitting myself in the face, on the arms, crying my eyes out because I just wanted to be “normal.”

The first day of Camp finally arrived and I was so nervous and scared, I didn’t socialize with anyone, I kept to myself, and didn’t want to participate in any of the activities except kitchen and arts and crafts. When the camp group activity (where the whole camp got together to participate), Mrs. Z Noticed I was not participating and when she tried to get me to participate, I cried like a little baby brat about “I don’t wanna,” and “What if they laugh at me?” It’s like come on, they have special needs too. Why was I so self-absorbed? So ignorant? I am so embarrassed now by how I was back then.  Mrs. Z let me skip that first day group activity, but we had a “come to jesus” talk where she explained that I would eventually have to participate and try to make friends, that no one would make fun of me and if they did, they would deal with hirer Thank to her and camp we can do, I came so much out of my shell (at least there) and did things, I never would’ve done anywhere. I did the talent shows, the girl makeovers; I made wonderful friendships, and even volunteered as a counselor after I turned 18. Had I not met Mrs. Z who pushed me to realize I was not limited by my disability, that I just had to find an alternate route and the statement/Motto of Camp We can do, “Yes We Can!” Had I not met Mrs. Z and the wonderful staff who were encouraging and supportive of the campers, I don’t know how I would’ve turned out. Yes, my mom always encouraged me, but I always figured “She’s my mom. She has to say that.” Coming from others, it’s a confidence builder? Am I 100% confident and head-strong in who I am? No. I still have some work to do, but without Camp We Can Do, (and Shriners in St Louis later on), I don’t know what my life would’ve been? I don’t think I would’ve flourished the way I have since starting Camp We Can Do and meeting Mrs. Z. She pushed me out of my comfort zones to explore other aspects to life. I wish she was still around to witness my life and accomplishments, but I know she is watching over me, and hopefully I am making her proud. .God bless you Mrs. Z, (and I am tearing up writing this), I miss you so much! There is so much I wish I could just talk with you about. I love you and hopefully, I can make you so proud of me. <3 <3 <3

There once was a lady who was sweet and kind,

She worked at Camp We Can Do,

For quite some time.

Her name was Evelyn Zehner,

But to the campers at Camp we can do,

Her name was “Mrs. Z”

And she was loved by every camper,

Including me.

She never saw a handicap or Disability,

She only saw children, who wanted to have fun,

But could also be held accountable for every misdeed.

She treated us all “normal”,

Never made excuses for us.

But loved us so much,

that was evident.

We were all her babies,

Like a parent,

Even when we were misbehaving, she still loved us.

Every Morning we were given “good morning hugs,”

Right as we got in the door, running into her open arms,

We loved our “Mrs. Z,”

Sometimes, we’d get in trouble just to go sit in the office with her;

Or others, like me,

Would just sneak away from group and peek into her office,

Until she would catch me,

I can still hear her saying,

“Okay Jamie, I need you to go back with your group.”

It was said so often, it should’ve been stamped on my forehead.

The days always ended the same,

As children’s rides would arrive, the kids would hug Mrs. Z tightly,

She’d squeeze them with lots of love,

And tell them “Rest well for more fun tomorrow.” Or “Have a good weekend,”

Whatever the case would be.

She knew what the kids were capable of,

What they knew, how they knew how to play “sympathy card,”

She was tough, but she was loving; Firm but Fair.

She was big on teaching life skills.

She knew these kids,

That others counted out,

Could learn these life skills,

And prove something to the world;

That they could be something with the right dedication and discipline.

Sure some times, her methods seemed extreme and harsh,

Maybe “too hard,” on kids who already “had such a tough life,”

But I cannot recount a single kid who ever held a grudge;

They always would hug her, and still knew her love for them.

We learned how to cook in the kitchen,

There would be people who came in to read stories to us,

People who came to teach us healthy eating, nutrition, hand-washing, etc.

We’d go to library, museums,

They would teach us how to do grocery shopping,

She knew that special needs couldn’t always learn just from textbook and memorization,

We also had to go out and experience it,

And of course, try and fail over and over till we got it.

But she never gave up on us; she never counted us out, Ever!

Sure, she is gone,

And we are all sad,

But her legacy will live on,

In the memories and love,

The impact she had,

On thousands of lives.

Fly High, Mrs. Z,

You took care of everyone here on Earth,

Now it’s your turn to enjoy some pampering,

Up in heaven; you have definitely earned your angel wings,

Sweet woman.

Long Live,

The advocate, the disciplinarian, and second mama,

To everyone, especially children and parents from Camp We Can Do.

It was in 2008, when we went to Kemah boardwalk for the Camp's big field trip. I wasn't riding any of the rides; just watching all the other campers having fun. Mrs. Evelyn Zehner Evelyn P. Zehner was the one who told me "your parents didn't pay all the money for the big field trip just for you to be a spectator." So She encouraged me to try a ride. I got on a tower drop (not realizing that I was terrified of heights), and I never been so terrified in my life, but I also am glad I did it. (isn't it funny how something can scare you, but you are proud of accomplishing it anyway)
Mrs. Z was always encouraging us to step outside of our comfort zones, and really thats what should be encouraged, because if we don't, then how will we ever find out what we like or are good at ...if we are counting ourselves out before trying, or scared to fail, then what kind of life is that? Mrs. Z had that tough love, but sometimes, that is the formula for success...not always the case, but sometimes. I think the lessons she taught us, and what many influential people in my life taught me, has influenced me into the person I am today. Yes, I still have some "kinks" to work out and smooth out, but for the most part, I am proud of who I am and I have Mrs. Z as one person to thank for that. <3 <3 

Dreamers can Dream and dream big!!!

I have lots of interests and lots of dreams. One is to operate a successful food truck (yes, I love to cook and bake). Another is to get my YouTube channel going and inspire those also dealing with physical differences and show that nothing is impossible. I also am interested in writing and publishing books (one being my life story, others being books of creative writing works and children's literature). I also would like to write for childrens tv and movies, especially including characters with different special needs, I've also been inspired by seeing the new creations of dolls with special needs and the creation of clothes for children with special needs...I'd like to help do more of that- more special needs included in the toys, and more clothes/costumes for those with special needs, and have my own makeup/accessories line/ clothing line, etc.

Dreamers can dream and dream big. :)

But my biggest dream that I've always had since I was 3 years old, is to become a mommy :) and my passion since seems like forever, is to help make the world better and more accepting for those with special need- #Advocate and #CharityWork. Only through God's will and power. God's will be done. <3 Amen. <3 <3 <3